After the dark
Rhys looks back at a bout of depression when he felt ‘at his lowest’. What can he, and those who love him, learn?
MARK: So, Rhys, we haven’t published in a few weeks. How have you been?
RHYS: I'm okay, thank you. I'm in a much better headspace than I've been for quite a long time. I feel as well as I did before my depression properly kicked in and I had to take medication.
A few weeks ago, I felt at my lowest.
The thing is with Anxiety, Depression, just general mental health…It doesn’t need a reason or an excuse to make you feel the way you feel.
A couple of years ago, we were all in lockdown, not allowed to see anyone and cooped up in our homes. For some, it wasn’t as bad because they have their own families so they have someone and a distraction. I, like many, live alone and when I felt these feelings come on I thought, ‘okay, this is why – I only have my own company’.
That's when I started taking Sertraline, as I got really down to the point I had some dark thoughts. Thankfully, that all got sorted and I started taking care of my mental health.
Then lockdowns were lifted and I started to feel back to normal and back in a routine.
Then, within the past two or three months, I've been rather down. Not linked to anxiety whatsoever: as I've said in previous blogs, I've got a good handle on how to keep that in check.
I didn't account for depression though.
I'm not going to lie, I've had dark thoughts, thoughts I'd never, EVER act on. The thing is, there's been so much going on lately that I've felt I've had to just stay silent: not say anything to family or friends because I've not wanted to add another burden.
Again just to reiterate, I feel SO much better now that I chose to speak to my friends, and then – eventually – family. So I'm not feeling as down as I was before.
MARK: It obviously weighs on your mind that you don’t want to bother people when you need to talk. I think I can speak for the family when I say nothing is so important that we wouldn’t, urgently, want to speak to you if you found yourself in that place again.
You are such a thoughtful person you will always worry about causing us more stress. Well, my stress levels are fine. Here’s a secret: age, and not caring anymore about competing with other people, helps! Your sister, Amanda, has a busy job and two toddlers. And, recently, COVID. But we shouldn’t avoid stress, or fear it. Often, the people with the most complicated and stressful lives are the most resilient.
RHYS: I feel I do always put other people first before my own issues. I'd rather listen to them than talk about myself, and it's helpful when they need to get something off their chest because it's almost a distraction. My problem is, I wait until the saucepan is bubbling over before I say something. Even then I feel like I'm inconveniencing people.
But once I've finished my rant or whatever, I'm always like ‘Okay… So that needed to come out. You honestly don't need to worry, it's just something that's been playing on my mind.’
And then it's usually just left there because I feel better after.
MARK: Believe me, you never ‘rant’. And an inconvenience? There is no such thing as an inconvenient time at times like the ones you're describing. No such thing.
But let’s go back to a big reason we started this blog, which is to help people who don’t have anxiety and depression help those who do.
What advice would you give family members if they are concerned and you’ve gone quiet?
RHYS: If there is cause for concern, then, obviously, check in. If you feel they're acting odd and being more distant than usual, then hammer it into them that they need to talk.
I know people with worse issues than me with hardly any support, which is sad because when I do open up to my family the support is overwhelming.
MARK: When we spoke last week, I suggested you speak to the GP and review your medication. I thought afterwards, that’s not something I should get involved in, not least because I’m not a medical person. Is that right?
RHYS: The thing is, I'm on 100mg of Sertaline. I truly think I'm getting the best help there, which is why I debunked that idea. Both my sister and Grandma suggested that too.
I’ll say what I said to them: taking an antidepressant does NOT mean you'll never feel that way again. It's just a way for you to cope. It isn't a magic pill.
MARK: What are the benefits – and limitations – of therapy at times like these?
RHYS: I have my therapy sessions over the phone, which is an advantage and disadvantage because a) You're not looking the therapist in the face so you feel you can open up more. And b) The therapist isn't looking you in the face so they can't properly read you.
Would I look into more face-to-face therapy sessions? I don't know. But yes, those would be the limitations.
MARK: I also wondered about you finding things to look forward to when you get home after a tough day at work. Was that a good question, or just annoying?
RHYS: That is a good question and not annoying. After a tough day at work it's the simple things of getting into your comfy clothes, going on TikTok with a cup of tea, thinking about what to do for dinner. Finding a good TV show is always good, especially an older one as you have more seasons/series to binge!
Friends of the blog will remember that we've had my friend Lucy participate a couple of times.
We'll regularly send each other voice notes over WhatsApp as we rarely have time to talk over the phone. We just update each other on our day, what's annoying us lately, etc.
Those are things I look forward to especially after I've experienced an anxiety attack. I go through the front door, feed the cats, get changed, get a cup of tea, and I just sit down and listen to what she's sent me while I've been at work, whether it’s five minutes or 20 (there's no filter on her)
Our latest ARM (Anxiety Role Model )
RHYS: My Anxiety Role Model this time is the late Taylor Hawkins, who was the drummer with Foo Fighters.
He suffered from depression and anxiety. But you wouldn't know it, as he and his band mate Dave Grohl were always bouncing off the walls together, which was both annoying and entertaining for the other band mates!
He was always a bit more reserved than Dave if you watch them in interviews together. Dave Grohl would be the entertainer in a way and Taylor would chime in with the occasional funny quip, but otherwise would let Dave be the entertainer both onstage and offstage. He had a beautiful wife and three children.
Dave and Taylor: double act
For any musician, especially drumming enthusiasts, he was an absolute legend.
I was absolutely gutted when he died. They've done two shows in tribute to him, one in London which is the one I watched on YouTube that lasted six hours. Which was beautiful.
Here's a quote from him talking about mental health after the death of Chris Cornell.
People [think], 'You've got it so together.' It just goes to show you, it doesn't matter what's in your bank account, or how many hits are on your YouTube page, or all that kind of crap — it all goes out the window if you're not feeling right.
The loss, it's a bummer, but that's a real thing. Look after yourselves and if it looks like someone's down, way down, check on ’em.