Everything was fine – until it wasn’t
Our blog about understanding anxiety returns – because it has to. Rhys talks about a serious and frightening episode he’s just been through
Photo by Dasha Yukhymyuk on Unsplash
If you are new to Messages from an Anxious Place…this is an occasional blog about mental health by Rhys Jones and his uncle, Mark Jones. For Rhys, it’s a chance to make sense of the acute social anxiety and depression he suffers from. For Mark, who suffers from neither, it’s an opportunity to understand how he and other family members and friends can best help. For our readers and subscribers, it’s a window to see their own or their loved ones’ experiences through – and to help us with comments, links and by subscribing.
MARK: We haven’t written our blog in a while. I thought, maybe that’s a good thing – a sign that you’re in a good place and don't need to explore/share what you’re going through so much.
RHYS: Yes, for the better part of a year, maybe more, I thought I had a good handle on my anxiety. I finally understood it: its triggers, how long it will affect me that day and whether I let it affect me. And …how much social contact will I have to endure until I can be alone with my breathing exercises – until I feel like Rhys again.
So, I lived in this utopia of living where things were... great? I live on my own and as anyone who’s in the same situation may feel, their place is a safe space.
MARK: Then something happened…
RHYS: I suffered a psychotic episode involving my neighbours. They haven't been the best people to live next to for the time I've been living at my house – it’s very noisy, as there are six people living there – banging, the kids screaming and the father telling them off.
I had a few alcoholic drinks the night before to relax, as anyone would. The next day I got home from work, did some gardening, and when I finished I poured myself a drink to relax, and maybe get me off to sleep later as I wasn't sleeping well that week.
Long story short, I heard my neighbours chatting outside my house having an argument, then my neighbour's partner started commenting on the inside of my kitchen and hallway, which are visible from the outside. She then took an interest in me and wanted to talk. I heard her ask to talk to me later. I said yes at first but then didn't want to cause any problems and then said no. She told her partner. He asked me out for a fight. I gave him three opportunities to calm down before I called the police. I heard his partner shout that he's got a knife. So I shut myself back in my house and called the police.
The police were very sceptical. I seemed very erratic to them. They spoke to my neighbour who seemed very hostile and was detained. One of the officers on site asked if I had family nearby. They called my sister, Amanda.
Now I know it's because the police thought I needed psychiatric help. Maybe she could sit with me and then take me to A&E for an assessment – which she did. It turns out I hallucinated most of it due to stress.
MARK: Wow, Rhys, there’s so much to unpack here. I hardly know where to start. Maybe that innocent-sounding phrase, ‘I had a few alcoholic drinks the night before to relax, as anyone would’. You’re not ‘anyone’. We won’t go into your recent history here – another time, maybe – but alcoholic drinks and your mental, physical and emotional state don't mix, do they?
RHYS: To be fair when it comes to my mental, physical, and emotional state, NOTHING mixes well. But for a time especially in the evenings especially after a long or a bad day at work I did think a cold drink to relax with would help.
MARK: We’ll come back to that another time. Let’s carry on with the story.
RHYS: I was discharged from A&E at around 3am. When I got home, I immediately started experiencing traumatic symptoms. I thought my neighbour was out to get me. I immediately messaged my sister because I thought he was sabotaging my house. I got my overnight bag and ran out the house.
Just remember, I was extremely paranoid.
There were more hallucinations, and calls from the police, back and forth calls starting with me calling them as I felt extremely frantic, but I had to keep hanging up as my sister was trying to call me. I didn't know why or didn't care but at the time I wanted out of my housing estate, wanted to sell the house I sweated blood and tears to get.
When my sister finally found me and we went back to the house. She may not have been calm but was maybe pretending to be as I was in the state I was in. Amanda told me that I had been missing for half an hour. She had filed a missing person's report – and I needed to go back to hospital. An ambulance had been called, but we had to wait four or five hours.
So I stayed with my lovely Grandma for over a week to get my head screwed back on. I took a leave from work to help. I felt like Rhys again, but I still felt out of space.
MARK: Which means?
RHYS: ‘Out of space’ basically means I was daydreaming more than normal, finding it harder to snap myself out of my head. And I was obviously more self-conscious around other people. I still am.
MARK: I came down and saw you at this point. You looked a bit shellshocked, but otherwise okay. I think a couple of nights’ proper sleep at Grandma’s must have helped. (We should talk about sleep another time). So, have you had time to reflect on the experience?
RHYS: This is very new for me. For the past seven years I have tried to be as open about my personal anxieties and depression to all of my friends and family, people I’ve known in the past – anyone I’ve felt might benefit from my waffling on about mental health. Everyone I know and love knows about it. I just don't talk about my condition very much, try to crack on. I will literally only talk about it unless any close friends are going through the same thing. Or if I need to vent, but that is very rare.
MARK: You’re a very private person and I know you deal best with stress by getting back home, to your own space, seeing the cats, being quiet. I suppose the issue for the rest of us is knowing when and how to check in with you, interrupting that quiet time in case something toxic is building up. That could be literal toxins – like alcohol – or emotional ones – fear of neighbours, stress at work, paranoia…
RHYS: Anxiety for me is the daily bully who will torment me for a bit until it gets bored, scarper off into the shadows to fight another day. This is something I’ll have to grow accustomed to and hopefully put to rest.
As for hallucinations,. I don’t know what caused them. I don’t know if it’s going to happen again. I’m petrified to death of it happening again as those three or four days were the lowest points – I felt l I’d had no mental control at all
But I now feel safe in my house again: no one is out to get me, especially the evil version of me in my head who wants to tear me down.
A ‘breakdown’, or something else?
Still from A Beautiful Mind
Mark writes: You don’t see the phrase ‘nervous breakdown’ so much now. When I was growing up, you’d hear about, say, a friend of your parents or some famous person having to withdraw from daily life because of this thing. It sounded like a heart attack – something that came on suddenly and unexpectedly. But unlike a heart attack, there were associations with that phrase – shame, maybe, weakness, definitely.
Well, thank heavens we know and understand more. In general, the language we use for physical and mental conditions has become much more precise. So I suspect ‘nervous breakdown’ might go the way of ‘vapours’, ‘aigues’ and ‘turns’ – into the history books.
Wikipedia says:
Although "nervous breakdown" is not rigorously defined, surveys of laypersons suggest that the term refers to a specific acute time-limited reactive disorder involving symptoms such as anxiety or depression, usually precipitated by external stressors. Many health experts today refer to a nervous breakdown as a mental health crisis.
And yet ‘breakdown’ does feel like the right word for what Rhys went through. We’ve all endured a crisis – and, if you’re lucky, you can remain lucid when it’s happening. With a breakdown, nothing works. You’re like a car that’s broken down on the side of the road on a stormy night. You can’t fix yourself or just wait for the machinery to start working by itself.
Anxiety Role Model: Matthew Perry
RHYS: Matthew Perry is a massive role model for me,and I'm not just saying this because he's recently passed away, and people will think I'm jumping on the bandwagon.
He is the reason I try to make light of situations, laugh at my own pain, and try to cheer people up when they're down or upset. Despite his addictions, he overcame them and was extremely open about it to his old cast of Friends, his family, and more admirably, the public.
The late Matthew Perry, debating whether addiction is an illness with the contrarian right-wing journalist Peter Hitchens
Matthew Perry was around for my entire life as I've always been a massive fan of Friends, I cannot thank him enough because not only did he bring so much laughter to the world, I see a small part of myself whenever I see him on the screen.
Born 19th August 1969, died 28th October 2023, aged 54.
What next?
MARK WRITES: As we have mentioned before, for Rhys, these issues don’t come out of nowhere. He’s had counselling and therapy, with some – but clearly not lasting – success. He is seeking a therapist in the Leicestershire area who can handle grieving, addiction and psychosis. That’s not an easy brief. We’ll report on that in the next blog. In the meantime, we really appreciate your thoughts, comments and ideas. Thank you for reading.
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Hi Mark and Rhys! It’s my first time reading y’all’s work, and I plan to read more soon ❤️.
Some quick things I want to share here!
1) I loved your analogy of a nervous breakdown ... “You’re like a car that’s broken down on the side of the road on a stormy night. You can’t fix yourself or just wait for the machinery to start working by itself.”.
For those who have truly experienced a nervous breakdown, there is nothing like it. It can be out of this world. And for those who have panic disorder specifically, true clinical nervous breakdowns are experienced much more than ever desired.
2) LET’s TALK ALCOHOL - As there were a few statements made that indicated to me that it would be a good idea for me to write an article about gabra receptors in the brain and how they interplay with breaking down and processing alcohol, AND HOW THAT PROCESS CAN CREATE MANIC NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS. And I am wondering if that was possibly part of your process here in this story? It can even happen from just 1-2 drinks!! It’s a totally shocking experience for those of us that have always been have to “handle” a few drinks.
As a quick personal sharing ... I used to indulge in alcohol, and now, after many years of hard work, I live a 100% sober life. But I feel that the universe lovingly (and aggressively) pushed me into sobriety by all of a sudden creating a shift in how my body processed alcohol.
When I was in my mid 20s, all of a sudden (what truly felt like overnight), any time I had even just 1-2 drinks, I would have a COMPLETE nervous breakdown that put me in the deepest of blackest holes for days on end. I was so sick (mentally, physically, holistically). After consulting with a psychiatrist, he theorized that the root of the issue was happening with the gabra receptors in the brain.
SO, without spending much more time talking about me or my story here, I would love to add value in insight for others concerning this fascinating scientific interplay!! It’s incredibly important because it can help us shift our storytelling about ourselves, and what’s happening to our body, in a way that is much more kind, clear and accurate!
So, thank you both for reminding me about the importance of this topic, and prompting me to write about this. I’ve made a note to write about this in the near future this year ⭐️ ✅.
Happy New Year’s to the both of you!