"I feel that as an adult I am just winging it!"
Lucy and Rhys are both in their early 30s. They talk about the extra stresses and pleasant surprises that come with the lifestage they've reached
Credit: Kai Bossom on Unsplash
Messages from an Anxious Place is a new blog for people living with anxiety and people living with people with anxiety. Last time, we introduced Rhys and his uncle Mark. They talked about Rhys’s social anxiety – what it is and how he manages it. In this second blog, we are going to introduce Rhys’s close friend, Lucy. So often, an anxious place is also a very lonely place. Lucy and Rhys show how sharing and comparing sometimes very uncomfortable experiences works.
MARK: Well, we had a good reaction to the first blog. Is there anything we need to follow up? Comments, observations from people?
RHYS: We had a great reaction. I would like to thank everyone that viewed it.
I’ve been discussing what we are trying to do with our readers – I've had a few people come forward saying they're willing to share their stories. That’s something I look forward to doing in the weeks to come.
But let’s start with Lucy, a close friend of mine.
Lucy has been in my life for a few years – and she has helped me so much. I sent her a few prompts about how anxiety feels and what triggers it. Here’s what she said.
RHYS: So firstly, how long have you suffered with anxiety/depression?
LUCY: Most of my life. As a child, I was always described as a 'worrier' – worrying about homework or falling out with a friend at primary school…those things would stop me sleeping. I also suffered hugely with anxiety going into nursery and school and would cry for my mum.
My anxiety has evolved as I've grown up. It is mostly there when I feel I am not in control of a situation or the fear of the unknown. But my anxiety escalated around four years ago when I suffered a number of traumatic events back to back. This led me to become fearful of unfamiliar situations and to look for any 'clues' that something was going to go wrong.
The symptoms? A racing heart, feeling very hot and nauseous – and my tummy is often affected. I get a very quick onset stomach ache, which really hurts! I also experience panic attacks at night, which exhaust me by the morning.
I sometimes feel that as an adult I am just winging it. As a 30-year-old, it can be scary navigating things on your own when you are such a worrier. I often make up silly scenarios in my head and convince myself I've done or said something wrong when I haven't. I feel that having anxiety often makes me extremely exhausted as my brain never stops.
RHYS: What are your triggers?
LUCY: It's strange that I feel less anxious at a job interview than I have done in the past going to a job I already have! This could be because I have felt upset or anxious at the job and once that started, I found it really hard to control it.
I am also hugely triggered by mess in my home. I think this stems from cleaning being a source of calm and control for me. In times where my life has been difficult or unpredictable, I have always found comfort in organising things and cleaning up.
In the past when my house has felt untidy, the dishes weren't all put away or my laundry wasn't folded, I could feel my anxiety symptoms beginning.
Therapy session in progress Photo by Dane Deaner on Unsplash
I can also become irritable and I never used to understand why. Then I read somewhere that irritability is a big sign of having an anxiety attack. I never show my anxiety to others, which causes me more discomfort.
In 2022, we are constantly bombarded with information. Our work lives are fast-paced, we have constant access to social media and everything requires our attention. I sometimes find myself overwhelmed with having to respond to messages from people, which then makes me feel like I'm a bad friend for being slow to reply.
RHYS: You've really helped me with my anxiety/depression, Lucy.
LUCY: Rhys, you and I have always talked about anxiety. We met at a difficult time in both of our lives and started speaking online. It was a comfort to me to speak to somebody every day. I can vividly remember experiencing anxiety regularly before work and you calming me down and telling me I'd be okay. It was also comforting to speak about our symptoms and know we are not alone.
RHYS: What steps do you take to prevent your anxiety (if you do), also any detox tips –like relaxing or any hobbies?
LUCY: I feel that taking long, deep breaths has helped me tremendously in the past. I also find listening to a podcast about anxiety helps me, particularly on my way to work which is where I often feel the most anxiety.
Talking to others also helps. I find it easier talking to somebody who has experienced anxiety themselves. I am also a big lover of self care. I think sometimes just chilling on your own, having a bath or doing a skincare routine for yourself can really help. Switching off your devices or being honest with others about your boundaries is also a great form of self care which I need to get better at!
RHYS: Would you say your anxiety/depression/headspace is better now than it was? If so, what helped?
LUCY: My anxiety is very up and down dependent on different circumstances. On a day-to-day basis I feel as I have got older and have had more life experiences, they have made me feel less anxious in new places.
I have also found that I have experienced new anxieties related to trauma I have experienced, so this is something which I am still working on. I have up and down days and I simply repeat the mantra that nothing is permanent and that the feeling will pass.
My anxiety will be with me forever. If I feel it coming on, I understand it is my body's natural response to fear and I try to remind myself I am not in immediate danger even if my body thinks I am. I also feel better knowing I have friends around me who understand what it's like.
Lucy and Rhys: in a better place for knowing each other
RHYS: So that was Lucy. We met not long after I got my first house and my problems started. She's helped me through quite a few of my attacks, and I hope that I can continue to help her too.
This week’s A.R.M. (Anxiety Role Model)
RHYS: Andrew Garfield. He is a British/Hollywood actor more famous for playing Spider-Man, but he's also starred in films such as Hacksaw Ridge and Tick…Tick…BOOM! in which he portrayed Jonathan Larson, the American composer who died in 1996, the night that the hit musical Rent made his debut.
Andrew lost his mother not that long ago to an illness. Not only has he been a pillar of strength for his family, he is more than happy to talk about her. On A Late Night with Seth Meyers he explained that he sees grief as "unexpressed love" – not a weakness.
The fact that this man can go on press tours, premiers, talk shows, etc. and talk about his late mother, tear up on camera and not be afraid to hide it is extraordinary. Not only is he a terrific actor, he is an all-round good person and an inspiration, especially to anyone currently grieving for a loved one and experiencing the knock on effect it can have to your mental health.