New year, new me – thanks to rehab

After his breakdown in November, Rhys was dealing with a cocktail of addiction, panic – and hallucinations. Here he is in 2024 – with no cocktails of any kind in sight

MARK: Hi, Rhys. Last time we posted, you were dealing with an almighty breakdown. What happened after that?

RHYS: Hi Mark. So, after a certain number of “episodes” wherein I suffered with hallucinations both visually and audibly, I stayed with my Grandmother for a couple of weeks. I attempted to contact several helplines to help determine what was going on. I had a gazillion phone calls and a few face-to-face appointments.

The diagnosis was Alcohol-Induced Psychosis.

After an awful anxiety attack in my sleep, which I didn't know was possible, I hallucinated again and this time I wound up outside my Grandmother’s house for hours in the middle of the night in the pouring rain. I won't go into too much detail, but I imagined I saw one of my family members in a serious accident…where they ended up dying.

The next day I was speaking to you about a blood test I just had (everything was fine, thankfully) but we agreed something needed to be done. I couldn't stay at Grandma's forever. But I couldn't go back to my house because at the time it was a colossal trigger for me.

MARK: And at that stage I suggested residential rehab. The charities and the health service were doing their best – at least I think they were. But you’d reached an acute stage where the drinking – which you were still in denial about – the anxiety and all those built-up and buried issues were surfacing in your conscious and subconcious mind. The private, residential route seemed the only way to address everything all at once.

Initially, you were dead against the rehab option, however. What changed your mind?

RHYS: I was dead set against it, because it was a really scary thing to think about. I used to hate asking for help from anyone for the simplest of things. Imagine me being confronted with the notion that I would have to put my life in someone else's hands for a month?

After a day or two of considering it I changed my mind. And in fact, I started to look forward to it. I quickly cut down on alcohol leading up to the date as a detox method.

MARK: You went to Chestnuts, a centre in a pleasant, quite isolated village about 30 minutes from your home. You chose a 28-day programme.

Tell us first about the alcohol treatment.

RHYS: As I had arrived virtually sober there was no detox needed: certain medications, of course, but nothing major. It’s not unknown for people to show up still high or smashed. But the few days’ recovery at Grandma’s meant that, physically at least, I was in okay shape.

Mentally? I was really nervous and reluctant to partake in group meetings when I arrived. But after AN HOUR I went into a group process. That was great, as I got to know everyone straight away. And I immediately felt like one of them, and that's the most critical part of the treatment programme. The support.

MARK: And how does the therapy compare with counselling you’ve had in the past?

RHYS: I've had grief counselling in the past, private at first then through the NHS, which helped, but as the NHS counselling was post-COVID: all of the sessions were over the phone, and I needed that face-to-face contact.

The counselling at The Chestnuts was great. I can't name my therapist, so let's call him Glenn. He was amazing, quickly learned how I ticked. He caught on very quickly that because of the massive guilt I still feel after the death of Mum, that was the root cause of my depression and why I drank alcohol in the first place.

MARK: What are the best things about rehab? And the worst?

RHYS: I'll get the worst things out the way. Over the weekends I would feel quite bored. There was next to no structure or a schedule, whereas during the week there were many meetings to attend. Thankfully, there's plenty of Step Work that you can fill out to pass the time.

The 12 steps, as they’re usually conveyed. Agnostic and atheist versions are available – we’ll talk about religion and recovery another time

The constant turnover of people coming and going is the worst thing, as you get close to people quite quickly. We would all get quite deflated every time someone left: but you have to be happy for them, of course.

The best things? My peers – literally like brothers and sisters to me now, and I'm happy to say I'm still in contact with most of them. And I just wanted to take care of them. I'm a Rescuer so I'd always put them before me.

MARK: Best explain what a Rescuer does.

RHYS: A Rescuer comes to someone’s aid, whether it be in an argument or defending someone’s motives or actions. Basically, they stick up for someone before thinking of themselves.

The staff are incredible. They have to put up with a lot, unfortunately, but they were always smiling, put up with my stupid jokes.

The food is f***ing incredible too! How the chefs managed to cater for around 10-15 people for three meals a day, and still manage to bang out incredible food is amazing!

They’ve deserved the advertising. But courses like this aren’t cheap

MARK: Where are you now?

RHYS: I am as of today's date which is 09/01/2024, 49 days sober. That might not seem like a lot for some people. I was two years sober before I relapsed. Some people would get down and be like “Noooo, now you’ve had to start over”. No. The two years’ sobriety is still right there under your belt.

I am now back at work. Everyone has been so understanding and patient with me, waiting for me to be okay with talking about my struggles…treating me like a human being and not an addict, which is very important to me.

I am back at home, taking back the pride that I have for my house. The cats were understandably very anxious while I was away and when I returned, but I've earned their trust back.

And where have YOU been?

I am still on Antidepressants, but the GP is positive that at some point now that I've cut alcohol out of the equation I'll be able to come off them.

MARK: And what’s next?

RHYS: I need a bloody holiday, so that's next on my list. I have reconnected with a lot of people that I lost contact with and gained new friends so I plan to maintain that. I am carrying on with my step work so I'm still in the process of finishing my Step Four. I am attending at least two meetings a week and I've found a sponsor! A sponsor is someone who will carry on taking me through the stepwork I was undertaking at Chestnuts, and will be there if there's anything else I need. And I also hope I can even be someone's sponsor soon. But it's still early days.

MARK: And you got though Christmas – with all those temptations. I thought you looked better than you had in years when I picked you up from Chestnuts.  You’ve got an awfully long way to go, still. But far from letting the challenge get you down, you seemed to be energised by it. Is that a post-rehab ‘bounce’? And what happens when that fades away?

RHYS: I spoke to my sister during our first phone call at Chestnuts and she remarked on how I had a spring in my step, I’ve always either been either full of energy/hyperactive or chilled out but over the years I’ve become quite anxious and secluded, so it was nice to get the old me back and start to enjoy life again. I will still have my ups and downs but who doesn’t? I definitely don’t see this “bounce back” fading.

More reading

Thanks to Coach Mak for a long and thoughtful response to our last blog. Her own Substack publication, Actionable Anxiety, is well worth subscribing to:

Finally… our anxiety role model

RHYS: For this one I am going to pick Anthony Kiedis, better known as the frontman of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I'm a big fan of their music and my therapist recommended his autobiography called Scar Tissue, as Anthony Dealt with a lot of drug abuse, anxiety, and there was a lot of upheaval in his life when he was younger. But that got me through the last two weeks of rehab as I spent a lot of time reading.