Not so normal after all
The story so far: Rhys left rehab on a high. Then came the really big challenge – the return to normal life
Courtesy of Very Finnish Problems
MARK: Hi Rhys. You wrote recently on Facebook: ‘Me leaping back into a normal life so soon after being isolated in rehab was clearly a bad idea’. What’s happened?
RHYS: Hi Mark. Yes, after leaving rehab the festive period was obviously a busy time for everyone. I thought just a week at home over Christmas would be enough but it wasn’t.
MARK: What do you mean by ‘enough’?
RHYS: Enough to adjust. I didn’t account for the fact that I very much needed to get back into the lifestyle of not having a drink to enjoy myself, especially when it comes to anxiety. I forget sometimes how long I have had this anxiety problem. But I have always had this safety blanket to make it better.
MARK: You mean alcohol?
RHYS: Yes. No matter how bad the anxiety attacks would be at the end of the day I could always count on that first drink later on that night to calm my nerves.
MARK: Just to be clear – was it the social pressures that were causing the anxiety – seeing friends and families at Christmas?
RHYS: In a sense, it’s nobody’s fault, not even mine. It was extremely important for me to see my family and friends, I think that was unavoidable after 28 days away from everything. On the other hand, it was also unavoidable that I would suffer these bad episodes . The way with my anxiety is I notice after I’ve had a particularly bad day, the next day will be a good day, then it’ll just repeat.
I did not take enough time for myself to adjust back into my routine for my own mental health.
Back to alcohol, to have that taken away has been a challenge in itself – even though I’m the one who took it away.
MARK: I did wonder if you were having a post-rehab ‘bounce’ last time we posted –and that you might come down to Earth with a bump. Is that what happened?
RHYS: Yes. I told myself that the nerves were only there because I was around family and friends that I had not seen for a long time. This was my own naivety speaking. The night I left rehab I was shaking like a leaf because I had built up so many expectations in my head. After a few days and being nervously sick on Christmas and Boxing Day, I realised this was going to take some getting used to. We are now into mid-February and I am still getting into the routine.
MARK: What have you learned from the experience?
RHYS: I have decided to practice more self-care. Life has its own stresses so I can’t ignore everything. But the things I do have a choice in doing, especially when it comes to my own mental health, I will simply choose myself from now on. I will always pick others over myself and I feel, and others feel that I do that too much.
MARK: Give me an example of how you’ll do things differently?
RHYS: So, on the plans that I can’t or shouldn’t back out of, I will have to come up with an exit strategy in which wherever I become uncomfortable and have to duck out of said situation, after of course talking to whoever I’m going to be with at the time. I’ve become very adjusted to being honest about how I’m feeling – which this blog helps with – so all of that should be no problem. If the exit strategy pisses anyone off for whatever reason then I’d rather that than me have another breakdown to keep others happy!
I have chosen a new antidepressant to live with, also; after rehab they’re clearly not helping my anxiety now that I’m back to Earth. Updates will come on how these new ones are treating me.
MARK: Where are you with therapy and the 12 steps?
RHYS: I am still going through the search for a private therapist. I have the aftercare team from rehab checking in on me every week, and a weekly Zoom meeting on Saturdays so we can all share on how we are getting on.
When it comes to Steps I am halfway through Step 5, which deals with confessing all of the things I have done to myself and others through the influence of alcohol. Being me, I’m nice all the time to people so there isn’t much on that side, but years of abuse to myself? That’s a lot to put down on paper.
MARK: Can you give us a flavour if that?
RHYS: I’m reluctant to share that at this time as it is truly shaming stuff. All I can do is tell you what that particular Step is about. It’s all about confronting shameful things while under the influence of alcohol that you have done, that you’ve pushed to the back of your mind. I also wrote down certain things I noticed my parents doing behaviour wise while being under the influence, just for an outsider’s perspective.
Thankfully my sponsor loved my previous step work, so I didn’t have to redo any of it when coming out of rehab and they took me under their wing.
MARK: And I have to ask this: are you drinking again?
RHYS: Of course not. As of today which is the 12th of February I am 80 days/two months and 23 days clean of alcohol.
There have been struggles, but I just see substance abuse as a way to cover up problems.
Yes, in the past having a drink at the end of the day was nice and all, but you can have too much of a good thing. There was a saying at rehab: One is too many, and a thousand is never enough – basically saying don’t touch that first drink because if you do you won’t be able to stop. I refuse to put myself back into that arena ever again.
Nothing to smile about. Credit: Unsplash
MARK: I’m on the Family Support group and it’s heartbreaking to hear that a couple of people who were in Chestnuts at the same time have relapsed. One is going back there. What would you say to them and their loved one?
RHYS: I’m in contact with a select group of people from Chestnuts and NONE of them has relapsed, thank God. I would say it’s completely okay, as sobriety is incredibly hard to maintain even within the easiest of circumstances. The problem is alcohol is so easy to obtain for any adult. Every single person that I met at The Chestnuts had their own reasons for using in the first place, and some have relapsed and returned to the centre. There is no shame in it, especially if they’re willing to seek the right help. I relapsed in November and sought the right kind of help, and now look at me…not exactly the picture of perfect health, but better.
And to all my close friends that I still speak to from The Chestnuts, you know who you are. I’m incredibly proud of you and I know we’ve been through a lot since graduating. But you’re towers of strength every single one of you.
Anxiety Role Model: Niall Harbison
MARK WRITES: A few times a week, my wife Annie sends me an update from Niall Harbison’s dog rescue charity on the Thai holiday island of Koh Samui. Link here:
https://www.instagram.com/niall.harbison
They usually start off as a difficult watch for his followers. We see dogs that have been starved, beaten and injured. Then we see their recovery. We see them running on the beach, running up hill, with our without four legs. Your heart swells as you watch the pups and the dedicated people who save them.
It’s not going too far to say that the dogs also saved Niall, as he relates in his book, Hope: How Street Dogs Taught Me the Meaning of Life. He felt a little like an unloved stray himself as a child. But he built a very successful food business. He was rich – and dangerously depressed. He had severe panic attacks. He drank and gambled his fortune away. And nearly his life, too.
Nialll is now 43 – he nearly didn’t get that far after a New Year’s Eve binge in 2020. He checked himself into ICU and it was touch and go whether he’d come out aliive.
He credits his first rescue dog, Snoop, with giving him the purpose and love he needed.
“I’ve loved him my whole life and he was old at that stage, he was 10, and I thought, he’s still here. I can’t just disappear. It would break his whole world,” he told The Guardian.
Where Snoop went, others followed – or were carried. He now feeds 100 street dogs a day and cares for 200 more in his shelter. And he’s sober. He has to be.
However….
Just as we were planning to post the blog, Niall put this on Instagram. We might call someone a role model, but they struggle just as much as everyone with this illness:
Like so many people you could look at me and think everything is perfect. I spend my days with dogs, I get constant nice comments, I’ve nearly a million followers here, I wrote a book and been on TV etc. Many of the things people dream of and I feel blessed. But more importantly I’m not ashamed to say I’m the guy who had to run out on a Saturday night on a friend back to my bed to do deep breathing and manage a crippling panic attack. I’m the person who often has to look at their feet instead of making eye contact as the anxiety is eating me up inside.
For anybody out there just remember there are sports stars, CEOs, Lawyers, Singers, Movie stars and people from every walk of life who suffer like this. There’s absolutely no shame in it. Your sister, son or elderly parent might be struggling and trying to hide it.
I know mine has come from losing 4 dogs recently and the pressure on my shoulders. I won’t lie I did look at the bar with the football on last night and think “2 quick beers will fix this”. But then I thought of Billy, Cindy, Eve and all the other dogs who rely on me. Easy decision 🙏🥰
Hi Mark, I was in rehab with Rhys and what a true gentleman he is. He and I were close and we still are in touch with each other He was so kind to me as I have disabilities and I am so proud of his achievements he has come out of his shell so much in treatment He always has a book on the go! I hope to meet up with him soon. GO RHYS GO!!! YOU GOT THIS ❤🙏❤🏴💪
The blog is an absolute inspiration. Thank you both so much for taking the time to write and Rhys, for being so honest. It really helps others.