There are ways of making me talk
In the aftermath of a tragic event five years ago, Rhys learned how to be open about his condition
MARK: A couple of years ago, Prince William did a documentary about men and mental health. He questioned whether the famed British ‘stiff upper lip’ was still relevant today – or whether that’s a ‘too rigid internalisation of our emotions’.
So, in this blog, let’s talk about talking.
Rhys, in dealing with anxiety, how important is it to discuss your experience with other people?
RHYS: At first I didn't want to talk about it at all, to be honest.
I was able to identify my anxiety through therapy shortly after my mum passed away, five years ago today [July 29th]. And I found the more I talked about it in those sessions, the more we tried to figure out what makes me tick, the worse my symptoms would get. And I'd want to leave the room. In fact, in one session I did and we had to cut our time short.
At that point I was letting it get to me – let it rule my life. I'd cancel plans with friends and family. Most reasons would be genuine, and others would be because my anxiety was beating me up inside.
Once I realised how many of my friends actually suffer with it too, I began leaning on them a bit. One of them is my close friend Lucy, who helped me through a particularly dark part in my life (see Letter, June 28).
I would barrage another close friend with questions about anxiety – like if I'm feeling this way could that be linked? Now I've got a better handle on it, I'm finding it easier and easier to talk – as anyone who's reading this can tell.
MARK: I’m guessing being this open hasn’t always been very easy for you…
RHYS: Even now, an anxiety attack can be very hard to predict. Back at my old job I'd start the shift off feeling pretty much normal, then roughly halfway through the shift I'd feel sort of jittery. I'd feel unwell, and wouldn't want to talk to anyone. Unfortunately, my workplace was a call centre so I had to talk to some unpleasant customers – and put on a smile around my colleagues, who had no idea what was really going on.
So, at my current job, I vowed to let them know what was going on if anxiety did start getting to me. Shortly after that, I improved and was able to be myself without having to worry. Which seems like a small thing – but it was a win for me.
MARK: Is any kind of talking difficult when you suffer from social anxiety? I am wondering if small talk can be as difficult as the deep and meaningful stuff?
RHYS: They are one and the same. I've always classed myself as a listener rather than a talker. I hate talking about myself. So if I do talk about myself I keep it brief.
Some people’s idea of heaven…
When I do feel anxious and I'm in a social situation of any kind I just feel self-conscious about how I'm talking, what I'm talking about, what I should say next, do I seem ‘off’ to the person I'm talking to. It's a nightmare, really, which is bad because I'm a really laid-back person. Logic dictates I shouldn't be feeling like this, but I do.
MARK: How can the rest of us help in those social situations?
RHYS: I'm not saying this for my benefit as I'm a lot more confident and forthcoming than I was. But for those who have it worse than me - I know a few - if they're clearly uncomfortable or seem quiet, just try not to draw attention to it.
If they're already seeking therapy, already talking to close family and friends or already taking antidepressants to help, there's not much to do besides offer your support when they're feeling down.
MARK: I’m interested – did you get any help at school?
RHYS: I didn't have any anxiety issues when I was at school, primary or secondary, not even college: it's only been a recent thing over the past few years. In school, I was typically shy and kept to myself. I'm aware that there is help that can be offered to schoolchildren who have anxiety. It is unfortunate that there has to be that support system.
MARK: Is it? I think schools show a lot more understanding of mental health issues now – certainly since you were at school and definitely compared to when I was.
I’d say you were more than shy when you were growing up – even then, you seemed acutely uncomfortable around adults. Or maybe it was just me! Your mum and dad didn’t seem sure how to get you to speak up. But none of us would have dreamed of getting professional help in those days. (We’re talking about the 1990s/early 2000s, but it feels like a foreign country).
RHYS: My family have been amazing, although this thing is something that I have to deal with myself.
You, Mark, offered to pay for private therapy for me after we lost Mum, which I'm thankful for. It did help me grieve and talk about it, talk about my family late or present. However, my head wasn't in the right place with my anxiety so I couldn't continue with it. I'm proud to say I've now continued with therapy now after four years, and my headspace is a lot better.
MARK: We talked about grieving and anxiety last time. Is that what you’ve been working on?
RHYS: Of course, this month is a hard month for all of us in the family due to the loss of Mum and Dad. Over time I've been working on not being triggered so much by it. Whether it be to do with grief or anxiety, I've also been working on being more open. Back when it first came around, I avoided the subject entirely and pretended everything was normal. Now I've accepted that it's a part of me.
Unfortunately, when that dreaded anniversary (July 29) comes I'll feel a bit down, feel guilty for not going to see my Mum and Dads’ grave as much as I should. Life gets in the way. But yeah, that's where the grief comes in: but I'm getting better each year.
My sister Amanda and her husband Ryan, took me in after Mum passed. They got me through the worst time of my life while they were grieving also. They helped me move into my first home and regularly checked in, as I'd never lived alone before. Just over a year later they were moving and wanted to know if I wanted to buy their house…and I eventually said yes. And it was the best decision I've ever made and I am eternally grateful for that opportunity.
I could go on, really, with family, my friends have been great, too, and very understanding.
THIS WEEK’S ARM (Anxiety Role Model): Chester Bennington
RHYS: Chester Bennington was the lead singer of Linkin Park. Their music ran from 1996-2017.
Chester, while being an amazing musician, was riddled with anxiety and depression, and the lyrics he wrote often showed the pain he was feeling. He had a number of issues with substance abuse. He was absolutely beloved by his fans who looked up to him. Their music was the soundtrack of my college years.
He died on 20 July, 2017, nine days before our Mum passed away. I was absolutely shook to the core and played their music nonstop all night when I found out: especially when I learned it was suicide. But his memory lives on and the thing is, even though his mental health issues were surely eating him up inside and he clearly needed further help - he was still smiling and laughing in hysterics in this really sweet family video that was released days before he passed.
Here is a quote from a journalist in The Guardian speaking of Chester’s impact.
Bennington’s decision to sing clearly and openly was, therefore, more radical than he is given credit for, and indeed more socially valuable…His clearly articulated tales of emotional struggle gave millions the sense that someone understood them, and the huge sound of his band around him magnified that sense, moving listeners from the psychic space of their bedrooms into an arena of thousands of people who shared their pain.
Ben Beaumont-Thomas
In memory of Glyn and Kim.
Hi Rhys (and Mark) - thanks for this blog. I'm very lucky in not suffering from anxiety in the way you describe, but still found your blog helpful - I have suffered from depression issues over many years. Spike