Why (why, why) Delilah gets me through a difficult time

We ask Friend of the Blog, Lucy, to talk about why dogs are the ideal companion for an anxious human

If you’re a Dachshund, be prepared to be kissed a lot (especially if you have a sore paw)

RHYS: Lucy, we both agree that anxiety is a mess. We always look forward to coming home and chilling out. Is it better knowing you're coming home to a furry friend? 

LUCY: More than that. I truly believe my sausage dog Delilah has changed my life for the better since I got her back in 2017. 

Having never had a dog before, I really underestimated how much love and affection – and most, importantly, joy – you can get from owning one. There is something so uplifting and hopeful about being around a dog. They are always excited for the day ahead and just want to be with you. 

I can understand why they are used as therapy animals. Delilah has been there for me in some of the most difficult moments of my life. Knowing I have to get up, walk her, feed her and look after her has given me a purpose at times when I found life very hard. Having a pet who loves you and is excited to see you can also make you feel great about yourself. It's like having a mini-cheerleader living in your house! 

RHYS: It’s said that some pets sense when you're upset, or that something’s wrong. Is Delilah one of them? 

LUCY: I can very vividly recall a moment in my life where I felt everything was falling apart. I sat on my landing crying and genuinely thinking how on earth I could carry on. Delilah crawled into my lap and licked my face. I think she knew in that moment I was very upset – and I also knew that I had to get better because she needed me. She always seems to have a concerned look on her face if I'm feeling sad. I'm sure dogs can sense something we give off when our emotions are difficult to handle. 

RHYS: You and Delilah have been through a lot: a separation, a house move. How has she handled so much change and how has her presence helped with your anxiety throughout? 

LUCY: Delilah is a very complex dog. If she is with the people she loves, she will travel anywhere, sleep anywhere and just enjoy her time. She is quite nervous in new situations and will tend to hang back. 

Since I have been through my separation, Delilah is very attached to me. If I go out and my parents are looking after her, she tends to fret until I get home. She paces the house and sits by the door. This is something I need to get her to stop, as soon I’ll be starting a new job and she won't have me around quite as much. I think she is very protective of me because we have been through a lot together. 

RHYS: My cat, Milo, suffers tremendously with anxiety. He hides when someone knocks on the door. But once he realises that I'm the only there he will eventually come up to me. Milo and my other cat, Willow, help me tremendously with stress. I’d be lost without them.

LUCY: I do think Delilah carries some anxiety. As a breed, sausage dogs tend to be rather nervous and the smallest change in routine can change her mood. 

She is shy around new people and will never approach them first. Having said that, she goes to doggy daycare twice a week and loves to socialise with the dogs. She is fiercely loyal. She knows who her family members are and recognises the different names. She has memorised the route to people’s houses she loves by the different turns in the road and begins to whimper and wag her tail when we get closer to their house. Dogs are so clever!

There’s only one tense in dog grammar

August, 2016: Duchess allows Mark to join the pack

MARK: We’ve had our rescue dog, Duchess, for six years. She had a tough life in Romania and the mental and physical scars are there still: missing teeth, a wonky leg and, sometimes, sheer fear and fury when she encounters another dog unexpectedly.

For the first few days, even weeks, she would hide under a table and barely eat. My wife, Annie, just sat near her quietly. Then, one day, while Annie was reading a book, Duchess picked up a toy and gently dropped it in her lap. It was a sign Duchess knew she had found her home.

I was spending a lot of time away in Hong Kong at that time. Whenever I came back for a spell, Duchess would hide away. I wondered if we’d ever get on and I’d be accepted as part of ‘the pack’. 

But I was. Dogs suffer from  anxiety, acutely: but they can learn to live with it, and – this is the hardest part for Duchess, after whatever she has been through –  also learn to trust people. 

Duchess was struck with a condition called SARDS a couple of years ago. Within a few weeks, she had lost her sight more or less completely. It hasn’t affected the quality of her life too much, but that trust – the thing that’s the cornerstone of any dog’s life – is even stronger.

Her navigation skills are extraordinary. Recent studies suggest that the ocular and olfactory senses are much more closely connected in dogs: in other words, they ‘see’ a path through smell. 

Are you with me or not?

MARK: I don’t suffer from anxiety. But as the pandemic took hold, of course we all lived through anxious times. 

It was a while walking Duchess one day that I realised I wasn’t walking with her. She looked up at me as if to say, ‘focus! You’re here with me, it’s a beautiful day and I think I just heard  a squirrel’. And I realised that while she was living in the now I was living somewhere else: in a world of could-haves, should-haves, mights and maybes.

Through language, humans have this extraordinary ability to inhabit several different worlds at one: real and imagined, dark ones and happy ones, past ones and impossible ones. It’s a stressful thing, moving between those worlds.

As Mark Twain said, ‘some of the worst things in my life never happened’.

I know people love to talk about their dreams and how important they are as if that’s a great and positive thing. I’m not sure it is: does dwelling on some better future you don’t yet inhabit help or hinder?

Duchess, and all dogs, say be here now. It’s great.

More on walking with Duchess here:

BARKLANDS: what dogs can teach travel writers

Some science 

Therapist at work: Delilah and her research assistant

The psychology of dogs and their human companions must be one of the thoroughly researched topics on the planet. The latest study, by Takefumi Kikusui, a professor at the Laboratory of Human-Animal Interaction and Reciprocity at Azabu University (what a job title that is), suggests that dogs shed tears of joy when they are reunited with their owners. 

Psychology Today has a useful summary of the benefits living with a dog may have for anxiety sufferers. Some of the potential doggy therapies may be a bit far-fetched – leading you to the exit when you’re having a panic attack in a public place? – while others – getting you out of bed – are experiences all dog owners can relate to.

Anxiety Role Model: Ben Stokes 

MARK: This week’s ARM is the England cricket captain, Ben Stokes.

In that position, you’ll get the phrase ‘role model’ thrown at you a lot, usually when you’re not seen as offering one.

But Ben has chosen to use his fame and status to different ends. In a documentary about to air on Amazon Prime, he talks to Sam Mendes about his decision to step away from the game to concentrate on his mental well being – and the many other personal struggles he’s faced.

Psychology is a big part of top class sport. First class cricketers in particular have become more open about their struggles with anxiety in recent times.

Glibly enough, I guess you’d say that standing in a field while people hurl a hard object at your head at 90 mph for hours on end is enough to make anyone anxious. But for a batter in particular, ‘the middle’ is a very lonely place, especially when you are surrounded by the opposition all trying to get inside your head.

That dark art, known as ‘sledging’, has become ever darker as competition at the top end has intensified. I heard that one player was sledged about his father, whom he lost to suicide. I’ve always hoped that wasn’t true: but what is undeniable is that this kind of mental bullying would not be allowed in any other environment.

Still, Ben Stokes is as tough as they come, and having nearly given up the game for good, came back to prove himself as one of the most exciting players we have ever seen.

What he doesn’t understand – and, you suspect, won’t forgive – is the way some commentators questioned his resilience when he was made England captain earlier this year. How he performs now and why he chose to prioritise his mental health: two different things.